When I was younger, I used to have shockingly good memory, the ability to remember unexpected details such as the exact page I read that line or a dream I had in my sleep five years ago. My parents agreed that my two strengths were diligence and memory; I was less adept at thinking out of the box.

As I grew up, I found I remembered less and less, or at least I stopped noticing any impressive memories I had of the past. In fact, I noticed I was forgetting a lot, though that applies more to short-term memory: telling myself not to make that mistake and then making it seconds after, or forgetting a math concept I just learnt yesterday.

I am not sure what causes this phenomenon, or why my memory has “deteriorated” slightly as I grew. Perhaps it is the pressure my father constantly put on me to “learn faster, read faster, absorb faster, be more efficient” until my hastiness has messed with my eye for detail; or perhaps it is simply biological.

Nevertheless, this has posed a bit problem and frustration for me. These days, I can no longer remember things with the crystal-clarityness I used to have.

This has caused me to tighten my grip on my pen, to hold my notebook at bay with the intention of writing down everything remotely interesting I have seen or experienced.

Still, this mild “short-term-memory-loss” has disappointed me a bit, for a big part due to the volume of things I want to remember, and for another my perceived lacking of experiences compared to others around me, at least during my secondary school years. The amount of all the little events I wanted to remember sprained my wrist, and my unrest mind when a pen or notebook wasn’t available; my lacking in enriching experiences made me eager to collect memories to relive during the long periods of time when I have nothing much to experience.

I previously believed that when I wrote in my diary, I was having fun; but after giving it some thought I am not sure “fun” is the best word for it. If you see me scribbling furiously in my diary, it may seem as though I am enjoying myself. The problem is when you consider the situation from a different point of view, I also cannot be at peace until I record the moment.

During my time with my retail colleagues and customers, there was a one hour break in between working, and I could sit on a bench and quickly record down many of the fun things that happened that day. During my time with my healthcare colleagues and patients, however, I was on shift work and there were no breaks in between. There were so many things to learn, catch up with, and make sure everything goes smoothly that it would be inappropriate to start scribbling in your diary at the hospital’s registration counter. Therefore after some struggling with digital recording of some experiences in my phone memo, I stopped doing so and decided to focus on the experience.

The crux of the matter now comes: choosing not to write these experiences down and instead be more in the present is equivalent to choosing to live that moment properly, BUT conceding to the fact that the moment very likely cannot be relived. Focusing on the experience gives you the delusion that you will remember even better, but from my experience at least, that is not true. What you write down is what you will remember the clearest years later, with all the keywords to jog your memory. No matter how much focus you put into an experience that is not written down, it becomes a blurry blanket memory very soon. It may not even take a year, or even a few months, to become that way.

But how can one’s pen keep up with time? The only way would be to selectively pen down memories.

It is your choice, however, how you would like it to be: #1 being always there and in future recalling everything in a blur of equal level, or #2 living some and remembering some (therefore missing some experiences during the periods of time you choose to write). Some people are content with the former and sometimes I envy them, because I cannot be at peace if I leave myself to forget. For me it is a constant war between trying to be present, and ensuring the piece of memory lives on.

I choose #2 all the time. I did #1 out of necessity for my time as a Patient Care Assistant, but until now I find it difficult to be content without at least some records of cool things to remember. I will definitely try to put down as much as I can while the memory is still fresh in my mind, but I know I can never catch up with two months of experience, and more to come.

All I know is that the feeling of obligation to remember will forever be a burden I will carry; but I can learn to enjoy myself in the process, to find a balance between being present and recalling great things. 🙂

~Rachel